It’s quite difficult knowing where
to start when it comes to blog posts like this. In fact, I wrote that first
sentence and just stared at it for about 15 minutes because I really don’t know
where to start.
All that’s clear right now is that
I’m here, in Italy, staying with family, trying to gather the courage to put
pen to paper and feelings into words. I’ve had serious writers block for about
a month now and I can’t seem to connect with the words I write – I read them
back and they don’t make any sense to me.
I had things planned out pretty
well; at one point everything made sense, as if all my thoughts, feelings and
plans for the future were stacked into neat, organised piles of paper, only for
a big gust of wind to suddenly scatter them all over the place, leaving
everything in disarray.
The past month or so has just been
a blur of confusion and despondency, as I’ve been coming to terms with big changes
in my personal life, figuring out what direction I want to take in the next
couple of years, and ending a long-term relationship that didn’t turn out how
I’d hoped. I’ve been stuck in a very uncomfortable state of limbo for what
seems like forever now, and my mind has been on quite a journey – sometimes experiencing
some of my lowest points, to my happiest. I’ve been feeling claustrophobic,
stuck in own mind, waiting for a release. This is my release.
I think it’s a common thing to
become agitated or stuck in a rut when tied to the same place for a long period
of time and surrounded by the same people, particularly if there is somebody
who makes you feel weak, or brings you down. Problems that would usually seem
small suddenly become really heavy and hard to deal with. Right now I’m many
miles away from the UK, and I can breathe easier, think clearer, and the
problems I felt previously seem miniscule, but I’m very aware of what I have
waiting for me when I return.
I once heard that time has a
beautiful way of healing and nature has a powerful way of putting things in
their rightful place. Day by day, as I wake up each morning, I feel a little
stronger and my heart and mind are slowly healing – pieced together by the love
of my family and friends who have picked me up each time I’ve stumbled. I think
it’s always going to be important for me or for anyone currently in a long-term
relationship, to stop and look around. It’s easy to let tunnel vision take
over, and for all energy to be focused on one person, one situation, one
problem, without paying attention to the people around you… the people who are
there to unconditionally love and support you.
I appreciate these people in my
life, I love them, and I’ve embraced every bit of time they have devoted to
making me feel whole again.
Change is hard, and has felt
uncomfortable. But with change comes growth. Having this breathing space has
given me time to change my outlook on this current situation. The pain and
heartache I have felt has taught me so many things about loving myself,
appreciating those around me and taking each day as it comes, finding comfort
in the idea that things will eventually fall into place – whatever’s meant to
be will be, and everything happens for a reason.
I’ve decided to start channelling
these emotions and important life lessons into my writing. Heartbreak,
indecisiveness and confusion are all very complex things that I’m still
learning about every day. To document this journey of mine – and in the hope of
helping someone else – I’m going to use this space as a blank notebook that I
can pour the contents of my mind onto. I hope to look back and see how that big
gust of wind that seemed to turn everything upside down, wasn’t such a bad
thing after all.
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